Kill the moon review

Vanadian Avenue blog presents:

“Kill the Moon” review
(a horror in time and space in one act)

Screen title

Screen title

Dramatis personæ:

Malicia (as Statler)
Rita (as Waldorf)

Peter Capaldi (as 12th Doctor)
Jenna Coleman (as Clara Oswald)

Samuel Anderson (as Danny Pink)
Ellis George (as Courtney Woods)
Hermione Norris (as Captain Lundvik)
Tony Osoba (as Astronaut Duke)
Phil Nice (as Astronaut Henry)
Christopher Dane (as McKean)

Peter Harness (as scapegoat)
Steven Moffat (as it’s all his fault)

With special appearance of Invisible Booing Choir

Time: 45 minutes (of pure torture)

Date (of crime): October 4th 2014

Promotional image #1

Promotional image #1

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Curtain!

Rita and Mal sit un-comfortably on their sofa staring blankly at the TV screen in front of them. You can see popcorn and sodas on the table in the distance, but the food is untouched, clearly both reviewers lost their appetite quite suddenly. Rita and Mal appear pale and shaken as if coming out of traumatic shock.

Rita: Welcome dear readers of our blog to the exclusive review of “Kill the Moon” episode. We have been writing about Doctor Who series regularly, but we have never done a review of a single episode. So, this is a first!

Malicia: And since the episode in question was very specific, we will do the review in style of Eurovision commentary to keep up with the kitsch and lack of any standards.

Rita: It is not confidential that Steven Moffat is very creative when it comes to bringing to life scary monsters. Think Weeping Angels. Think Clockwork Robots. Those were terrifying!

Malicia: But after tonight, you should be really quaking in your boots. Steven Moffat just introduced us to one of the rarest and most terrifying creatures in the multiverse!

Rita: A monster native to the realm of Developer`s Hell that makes even seasoned viewers cringe and scream. And the worst thing about this new monstrosity is that it can be encountered in real life!

Episode poster

Episode poster

Malicia: Like on Saturday evening when you are all ready and set to watch your beloved show. Please meet our Monster of the Week: Writer Debutante on an Established TV Series – Mr. Peter Harness.

(Invisible Booing Choir: Booooooooooo!)

Rita: To be fair, Mr Harness has an impressive resume: he is a theatre actor, writer and producer. He worked on critically acclaimed series: Jonathan Strange and Mr Norrell, Wallander and Case Histories.

Malicia: We have seen his bio on Wikipedia before the show (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Peter_Harness) and it looked quite promising.

Rita: Unfortunately, our hopes for a good story were as short lived as the lifespan of Mr Harness’ Twitter account (@mrpeterharness). Once the episode aired and people started to ask inconvenient questions, the account was taken down completely. Pity, we had several questions ourselves.

Malicia: I don’t think we would be able to ask about anything, even if we could type at the speed of light. Mr Harness (or whoever was behind that Twitter account) simply ran away, not wanting to deal with the audience. That’s the impression that I’ve got.  

More promotional material - the only good thing about this episode

More promotional material – the only good thing about this episode

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Rita: So, Mr Harness, this is why we do this review. And we are truly not sorry for tearing your script to pieces, as you have left us no other choice. But no hard feelings, we are just cruel to be kind.

Malicia: Let’s get down to business – spoilers! Be my pal, sister and give us a short summary of the “story” behind “Kill the Moon”.

Rita: Doctor and his companions Clara and Courtney crash-land on a space shuttle en-route to the Moon. This is not a usual moon landing. It is a suicide mission (nuclear missiles et all) to blow up the Earth’s natural satellite. It turns out that Moon is really a huge alien egg that is hatching and the entire human population is at stake. More over, the surface of the enormous egg is populated by spiders that kill all males in the party, leaving only females to decide the fate of the human race and the hatching alien. So instead of helping, Doctor leaves the issue to Clara, Courtney and Lundvik – the captain of the shuttle – and buggers off. He shows up at the end to pat his companions on the back for saving the day – meaning the alien. In the meantime, Earth hold a tele-con on extinction while three females discuss having children.

Clara gives a warning. Run!

Clara gives a warning.
Run!

Malicia: As you can see dear blog readers – the story makes as much sense as Daily Mirror in the middle of cucumber season. In an interview with CultBox, Peter Harness mentioned that he came up with the idea of moon being a giant egg the night before meeting with Doctor Who crew – it came to him while travelling on the plane. You can see the whole interview here:
http://www.cultbox.co.uk/interviews/exclusives/doctor-who-interview-peter-harness-kill-the-moon

Rita: We would love to blame the lousy story-telling on the eleventh hour and pressure, only that would be not seeing the forest for the trees. The reality is much more unnerving and once you start seeing “Kill the Moon” for what it really is, you get rightfully furious.

Malicia: In case you haven’t guessed by now, the whole affair with hatching alien is just a smoke screen for abortion issue. “Kill the Moon” is not a science-fiction story – it is very poorly disguised “pro-life” propaganda written into your favorite TV show. And it is the foulest, most barbaric and misogynist type of propaganda you can imagine. Calling it anything else would be an understatement.

Rita: Doctor Who has been running for 50 years. It started in the early 60`s – not the best time for being a female on TV. Doctor’s companions were often lowered to being scream queens, silly blondes or fashion accessories. That is why Carol Ann Ford (who played Doctor’s grand-daughter Susan Foreman)left the show.But never in the history of the series, was somebody’s personal agenda written into the episode, especially when this agenda is so incredibly sexist.“Kill the Moon” is unique in this regard.

Malicia: Let’s be rotten feminists and point out few things that Mr. Harness put into the script. First and foremost – all male characters were removed from the episode like red shirts in Star Trek. Besides Captain Lundvik, the space shuttle has two male astronauts: Henry and Duke.

The (impossible) astronauts

The (impossible) astronauts

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Rita: And they both die within first ten minutes, having uttered few one liners, which is criminal! Tony Osoba who portrayed Duke was a member of Royal Shakespeare Company and appeared on the Who series twice before (“Dragonfire” and “Destiny of the Daleks”). Phil Nice (Henry) is widely recognized actor working on small screen for the last thirty years. Shame to treat actors this way!

Malicia: Just think of it – the whole surface of the moon is covered with lethal spiders and for some reason only male members of the expedition are getting eaten. Of course it would be fun if the spiders were black widows, but male actors are written off to make space for actresses – and their entertaining dialogue about reproduction.

Rita: Doctor himself gets removed too. He jumps into the Tardis and disappears as soon as a choice between the life of hatching alien and the human population on Earth below is to be made. But not before he utters this charming and very memorable line to Clara and Courtney: “It’s not my moon, women-kind”. Even babies in the nursery know that human kind consists of men and women in rather equal parts and it would be rather logical to have some men included in the decision making process. But no, Mr Harness turned all men into spider’s buffet.

Malicia: Escape of the Doctor made me furious because Time Lord would never leave his companions or Earth alone. He is strict, aloof, deceiving but he has never been an asshole. In Mr Harness` script Doctor staged out the most common stereotype – that all things related to pregnancy, having children and caring for the vulnerable are female problems only.

The Doctor being "pro-choice"

The Doctor being “pro-choice”

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Rita: And this is a very dangerous stereotype because men walk out in drones at first sight of problems.

Malicia: Exactly! If Mr Harness would like to check how this stereotype looks in real life and paid a visit to a website called Institute for Women’s Policy Research (http://www.iwpr.org/) he would discover for example that only 5% of disabled kids in US live with a father. Divorce rates for couples with disabled children stand at 85 % and only around 25% of fathers decide to stick around if a child requires additional assistance. Numbers in Europe are similar. Mr Harness could also read Wikipedia and see the profile of statistical carer of the elderly:   http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Elderly_care.

Rita: Do you think Mr Harness cares for social data? This is boring stuff. Can’t you find him something – umm- more dramatic? Something that would make a good story for example on the big screen?

Malicia: Actually I can. How about a story about Kelly Stapleton? A woman who was left to her own devices when taking care of severely autistic daughter? Imagine: insurance stops rehabilitation of a minor (too expensive), husband is making a professional career and is never around, relatives do not care. It goes to the point where a mother is so desperate and alone that she tries to murder her autistic daughter. She gets 25 years in prison. Best bit is when father gets custody: miraculously the relatives start to care, money is found for rehabilitation, he gets volunteers to help and every one is praising him a hero – even if he doesn’t do any of the job himself. In the meantime his wife is in jail with PTSD. NYT had a nice story on it, if you are curious how a life of a woman left alone to care for a disabled child looks like outside the silver screen:
http://nymag.com/daily/intelligencer/2014/10/kelli-stapleton-issy-stapleton.html

Rita: Woman does the hardest part until she breaks, while the man’s basking in the glory of a hero.

Malicia: Doesn’t it remind you how Mr Harness portrays the Doctor?

Rita: Yep, 12th Doctor reacted like a typical male and took an easy way out, leaving the problem (aka the alien) to Clara. That puts a new meaning to Clara’s being Mrs. Carer so the Doctor doesn’t have to care!

Malicia: Pure sexism but it doesn’t end here. Oh now! Let’s now have a look at what we are left with when all the men either ran away in a time machine or have been consumed by spiders.

Rita: Demographics. I have been making notes: a woman in the 50s (Captain Lundvik), a woman in her late 20s (Clara) and a teenager (Courtney). Three generations of women have gathered on the moon.

In space no one will hear you scream

In space no one will hear you scream

Malicia: And see what they are discussing because this is very interesting. Captain Lundvik (who is too old to have any more children) is worried about grandchildren. Clara (who is here regarded by Mr Harness as a person of “child bearing age”) is asked if she plans to have a family and Courtney is looking all scared, when she is not babbling about cute little aliens.

Rita: Another interesting bit about female demographics. Did you know that unplanned pregnancy is twice as likely to happen to a teenager of color or to a young female of minority? Is this the reason why Courtney has been added to the episode?

Malicia: The whole concept that three females are stranded in space and they spend their time asking each other about family planning is outrageous. Mr Harness, this is Doctor Who not Rush Limbaugh show!

Rita: I believe Peter Harness reflected on how anti-women his script was and tried to add some desperate measures to cover it up by stating that Courtney Woods will become American President in the future. Woman of color being a president of USA – very progressive indeed only completely unrealistic. You need to be born on American soil to become president. Courtney is British. Mr Harness – you are not fooling anyone!

courtney for president

Malicia: The script is a complete train- wreck. Hermione Norris is a fantastic and established actress. Jenna Coleman is as iconic as Elisabeth Sladen. And Ellis George is keeping everyone buzzing. This is the most striking new actress we have seen in a long while. To have such a cast and force them to act out propaganda is a sin.

Rita: I have found something very cool the other day. Geena Davis (#GeenaOnGender) recently spoke about how badly females are portrayed in the movies. And she showed some powerful examples – I want to share the hands outs now with the readers because they seem to be very poignant now that we are discussing “Kill the Moon” and its use of female characters.

Malicia: (looking at the hand outs) Only 27% of characters in movies are females. And here we had a female strong cast acting out somebody’s private (im)moral views. Such a wasted opportunity for a valuable show! Does that constitute a crime against humanity? A severe breach of viewer’s rights? Can I sue?

#GeenaOnGender hand out #1

#GeenaOnGender hand out #1

#GeenaOnGender hand out #2

#GeenaOnGender hand out #2

#GeenaOnGender hand out #3

#GeenaOnGender hand out #3

Rita: I think you would have to sue a lot of people because women are mistreated in the film industry on a regular basis. They are basically non existent on all levels! Here is BBC reporting on the same issue, with more shocking findings. Only 16% of script writers and directors in the industry are females. Apparently, situation in the UK is even worse. When did you last see a female script writer on Doctor Who?
http://www.bbc.com/culture/story/20141007-where-are-the-women-in-hollywood

Malicia: So, that is why you get such dreadful scripts like “Kill the Moon”. Do you think Peter Harness is aware of the situation?

Rita: I am sure Mr Harness would stumble upon the data we are quoting on social media, had he not ran away from Twitter like… um a Time Lord from an alien egg…

Malicia: Ah, never ending sexist stereotypes, derogatory use of female cast, views out of the dark ages. Mr Harness will have a lot of explaining to do in front of his mother come next family gathering. I would like to stop a bit on the message behind “Kill the Moon” because we haven’t touched upon this aspect yet.

Rita: The “pro-life” message. The whole episode is full of dreadful wording that could turn your stomach around. Doctor preaches about “making the right choice” and “moon putting on weight”, Courtney proclaims that a planet is “a baby” while Lundvik and Clara ramble about “having babies” and “killing babies”.

Malicia: We have a collection of screens documenting the level of propaganda that Mr Harness serves us in “Kill the Moon” just below. Please grab a paper bag…

Bad wording

Bad wording

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Rita: And this is our favorite screenshot – the close up of a monitor showing the moment when Clara stops the bombs. In case, you were dumb enough not to notice that the show is about abortion.

Very subtle message by script writer...

Very subtle message by script writer…

Malicia: It makes me want to swear in some really creative way…

Rita: There was a very good line in “Girl in a fireplace”. You can quote if you are Tennant fan-girl.

Malicia: Mr Harness – “you are brilliant, you are the best, you know why? Cause you’re so thick! You’re Mr. Thick Thick Thickety Thick-face from Thick-town, Thickania”.

Rita: Feeling any better?

Malicia: A lot.

Rita: Next to awful wording on the show, we have questionable actions. Since no compromise was reached between Captain Lundvik and Clara on what to do with the hatching alien, an appeal was issued towards Earth. Humans would vote to either let the being live or to kill it. If the alien was killed, the moon would remain intact and the Earth would not be exposed to a cosmic apocalypse. If the creature would hatch, there was a risk that the Earthlings would be devastated by the monster and the remains of the moon itself. Humans obviously decided on self perseverance yet in the last moment Clara stopped the bombs and allowed the creature to hatch, against the wishes of her entire kind. That was applauded by The Doctor once he arrived in the last minutes of the show.

Malicia: Or to put it in plain English: one “unborn” is much more important than any fully formed being already alive, even a whole planet with an entire species. Terrible message hammered bluntly into faces of millions of viewers.

Rita: Mr Harness wanted to create the ultimate moral dilemma: one life versus many. Only he failed miserably.

Malicia: Firstly because, when a child is being born (or in this regard – hatching) it is too late for abortion. Such procedure would kill a woman instantly. It is called infanticide and it is illegal. In a country that allows a choice, 90% of medical abortions happen in the first trimester when we deal with cells rather than fully developed fetus. If a late abortion happens it is mostly due to some traumatic occurrences. The most common – woman had been denied the access to safe and early medical procedure. Opponents of abortion love to paint a picture that abortion is a Babies Slaughterhouse nr 5 but the reality is so much different. Mr Harness yet decided to use this stereotype to his advantage.

Rita: Secondly, situation where you have to sacrifice one life to save many others is a well known ethical meta-model. And like every other philosophical meta-model it is very rare. Most of us will never face such choice in our life time. This meta model is also considered to be a paradox. Whovians love paradoxes – the impossible occurrences, the series is full of them. One life vs. many is a “lose-lose” scenario, you cannot find a way out, without a defeat.

Malicia: But Mr Harness serves us a sappy “happily ever after” at the end of the episode. Earth is saved and the alien flies away leaving a new egg in place of the moon. It would be laughable, if it wasn’t so cruel. When you have to choose between one life and another, it should be left to those involved only. You cannot force a resolution on somebody without making much more damage. It is very curious that “pro-life” activists always try to make martyrs and survivors out of others, but not themselves. Perhaps Peter Harness would talk to real women who were forced to carry unwanted pregnancy to term and see what a happy ending they have. He could even write some real script about it. But why bother, so much easier to evoke a dilemma with no solution and trivialize it.

Rita: Exactly. Peter Harness shows us in “Kill the Moon” that there is only one solution to abortion: to carry pregnancy to term. After that, you are guaranteed a fairytale solution to all issues that may have arisen.

Malicia: In the name of this solution millions of women suffer. 800 women die every day due to lack of safe and standard medical procedures such as abortion, number of women affected by mental and physical scars in unknown. Mr Harness, two sources from WHO (World Health Organisation) and Amnesty International. This is how your cherished “pro-life” solution looks in practice:

http://www.amnesty.org/en/news/women-s-silent-killer-sexual-health-policies-found-lacking-worldwide-2013-02-13
www.amnesty.org/en/news/sexual-and-reproductive-rights-facts-and-figures-2013-02-14

Rita: Women rights are violated so often world wide that there is a term for fighting for it: reproductive justice. Bet you dear readers that you didn’t know that. We even bet your school sexual education (if you had one that is!) never mentioned it either. Why for? This only concerns half of the entire planet population. Who cares?
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Reproductive_justice

Malicia: What Mr Harness did with his “Kill the Moon” script was basically delivering a huge slap into women’s faces. Another reminder that females don’t matter: either as an actress, as a human being, as a person. They are just baby making machines who can be hurt or tortured and denied basic rights like right to self governance and the right to medical care. We don’t matter Mr Harness – only the fetuses matter (until they are born). Pretty much like the human kind didn’t matter in your story – just the alien in the egg.

Rita: Mr Harness you should be also aware of the fact that you have been discussed across extreme right blogs (we won’t mention them not to give them any web traffic, but surely you can Google one rightly wired or another). Well done here, Doctor Who is now being recognized as a political tool, especially in the US. No more science fiction – now we have Tea Party followers watching the show…

Malicia: And we are sure you will be delighted that the new fan base you brought into the series is having really humane approach to life. For example one blog that hailed you a “pro life fighter”, also advocates Amendment 67 in Colorado. It will not only ban all abortion in the state, it will also sentence women who had miscarriage to jail for a murder. Your version of the Doctor would definitely approve. Some reading:

http://www.voteno67.com/index.php/faqs/faqs
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/jen-caltrider/hello-america-its-me-colorado_b_5870476.html

(good news here – it didn’t pass)

 Rita: Come to think of it, I believe Peter Harness took Doctor very seriously. He may be under the impression that he was a medical specialist, most likely a gynecologist.

We will now move to other aspects of the show, but our Choir wanted to voice their disapproval for the writer again.

Invisible Booing Choir: Booooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!

Rita: Thank you, Ladies.

Malicia: Leaving the propaganda aside. There are some ground work rules for writing. The first rule would be: Your story must be believable. It doesn’t matter where the story is taking place – it has to be logical and harmonious. A reader should believe everything that is happening in the story, it has to feel real. If the readers are asking questions (why? how?), the writer has failed and the universe he created has logical or scientific faults.

Rita: The story of “Kill the Moon” was killed (or should we say butchered?) by scientific mistakes the size of the moon itself. Since something as obvious as research before writing isn’t apparently so obvious, we recommend The BBC to hire a scientific adviser for the series. Brian Cox would be delighted, we are sure about that.

The Doctor Who couldn't count

The Doctor Who couldn’t count

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Malicia: Let’s take a closer look at the scientific and logical errors in the episode.

Rita: The Doctor’s age – The Doctor in series 8 is, as he says in the trailer, over 2000 years old. He has been traveling for two millennia throughout the time and space, has seen the universe born and die; visited parallel words and the nothingness among the realms. He has become a legend, something of a (lonely) god. He is also a genius, an alien of knowledge and science, who adopted Earth as his second home.

Malicia: So, it is simply impossible that The Doctor would not know/not realize that the Moon is an egg. We have seen him on the moon with Martha Jones in “Smith and Jones”, but we can logically assume that he has been there many times before and knows it like the back of his hand.

Rita: If the episode was taking place somewhere else in the universe (or even in Earth’s alternative time line), we could have believed it, maybe. The Doctor is not a fool – he would have known long time ago if the moon was a giant egg. Please note that we don’t want to say that the Doctor is not capable of making a mistake. He is, but not an elementary mistake like that that because it borders on ignorance…

Malicia: Even if the Doctor is wrong, there’s always  a trusted companion he has, that can set him onto the right track.

Rita: Aye, The TARDIS. Doctor’s marvelous time machine has been referred to as the most powerful piece of technology in existence. Let’s say that the Doctor really made a mistake and never realized the moon was an egg. Errare Time Lordum Est. What about the TARDIS? Can the machine be fooled as well? With her powerful scanners and other timey-wimey unearthly equipment? Even less possible!

Malicia: Don’t forget about human technology. Humans are curious and have their own gadgets and ways to investigate the mysteries of the universe.

Rita: Good point. We might be just children compared to other races, but Humanity has enough knowledge not to mistake natural satellites for an egg. The moon’s structure has been checked multiple times and the results are easily available on the Internet:
http://www.nasa.gov/connect/chat/moon_core_chat.html#.VDqVrKJoFCU

Malicia: Denying climate changes or evolution these days will make you look silly. Some ideas, doesn’t matter how colorful or shocking, will always sound stupid. Egg as the moon is one of them.

Rita: Another aspect of the story that is absolutely Looney Tunes: the moon is gaining mass. This has to be one of the most ridiculous concepts introduced in the episode. The egg has been dormant for billions of years and suddenly it starts to grow. How it is gaining mass is never explained. During pregnancy, the baby is connected to the mother, is fed by her body and that’s how it grows. The embryos in normal eggs feed on the nutrient fluids inside the shell; they also need the right temperature and humidity to hatch. The moon is a planet; there is no warmth, no mother, nothing. We could say that this is an alien egg after all and maybe it is being fed by cosmic dust or it doesn’t need to eat at all, but again, it would have to be somewhere else in the universe and not our moon.

Lights are going out

Lights are going out

Malicia: I have an explanation for moon putting on the weight!

 Rita: Oh, really?

Malicia: Peter Harness not only skipped sexual education at school. He also failed basic maths, sciences and biology.

Rita: Then perhaps he should educate himself. He can for example start with this blog:
http://www.slate.com/blogs/bad_astronomy/2014/10/06/slate_plus_doctor_who_podcast_episode_7_kill_the_moon.html

Malicia: ATalking about maths, the age of the moon is another faux pas of the episode.

Rita: Our Time Lord has some problems with basic counting. The moon is not 100 million years old…rather 4.5 billion years old. Wikipedia to the rescue, author dear…

Malicia: And how did you like the spiders? They were supposed to be the Classic Who monstrosities.

Rita: Bacteria in the form of carnivorous spiders – the egg is hatching and the bacteria feeding off the alien baby are running loose on the moon’s surface. I am not going to criticize the fact that the alien bacteria look like giant earth spiders and act exactly like them (i.e. create cobwebs to catch prey). What I truly find hard to digest is that the whole concept of spider bacteria is so cliché: they are not scared of humans (who are largely the same size or bigger), attack the characters on sight and eat human flash.

Malicia: The cherry on the top of the cake – you can kill them with any random cleaning detergent.

Rita: Imagine the same concept in other s-f classics. Ripley should have been given a bottle of Domestos instead of a gun. No Alien would survive.

Courtney kills 99% of bacteria

Courtney kills 99% of bacteria

Malicia: You know what irked me besides the abortion issue? The whole rescue mission with nuclear missiles. A group of astronauts, Earth’s last chance for survival arrives to an old abandoned space station with nothing else but nuclear missiles.

We have got WMD

We have got WMD

Rescue mission - blow it up!

Rescue mission – blow it up!

Rita: Their mission was to blow up the moon. It’s the lazy writing striking again. Middle grade school question: what happens when the moon is ripped to millions of pieces? In short – we are still doomed and blowing up the moon has not helped us a tiniest bit. It’s not a question of do we kill the poor alien or let it live. The effect of moon hatching or being blasted into oblivion would still be the same.

Great article on this question can be found here:
http://www.spaceanswers.com/solar-system/what-would-happen-if-we-blew-up-the-moon/

Malicia: And there was the light – this poor old abandoned space station should seriously consider suing Paul Harness for defamation. The writing is so illogical here it truly physically hurts when you are thinking about it. Group of astronauts enters a deserted, non operational space station and after a decade, just like that, they switch on the lights. There is no need to fix anything, replace the parts – you press the button and let there be light. Brilliant.

Lights on, common sense off

Lights on, common sense off

Rita: Did we mention the cliché interior design?

Malicia: I nearly forgot: Mexican flag, some tribal rags, a poncho…cultural sensitivity like in a Lidl hand-out when they have a Mexican week: http://euroviv.blogspot.com/2012/05/perks-of-shopping-lidl-margarita-recipe.html

Rita: Because Latin culture has nothing more to offer that few overused items. I have seen less stereotypes in Escrava Isaura (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Escrava_Isaura_(1976_telenovela) and María la del Barrio (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mar%C3%ADa_la_del_Barrio).

The Mexican space station was set up in 2039

The Mexican space station was set up in 2039

The Mexicans are not coming - they have been eaten

The Mexicans are not coming – they have been eaten

Space station (derogatory) interior

Space station (derogatory) interior

Malicia: It could have been a great opportunity to introduce some Latin actors in this episode. If Mexico was the last country to have a space mission on the moon and all the crew was feared dead or hurt, it would be logical to send somebody who was from their country or at least who spoke Spanish. Just in case if the was a need to communicate with the survivors in their mother tongue. But why bother with the details…

Rita: The script is full of such nonsense. Another example is the teleconference with humans on Earth. We see the Earth voting – Clara asks humans to make a decision: kill the creature or not. Then she sets up the rules. The Earth will vote by turning off the lights (to kill) or leaving them on (letting the alien live).

The voting

The voting

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Malicia: And our impossible girl is standing by the window of the space shuttle for 45 minutes and … Well nothing!

Rita: To quote NASA: “The moon orbits the earth with a period of four weeks (a month) and during the orbit it always has the same side facing the earth.” It means that we can only see the only side of the moon during the lunar cycle. If we were standing on the moon, we could see only half of the Earth, not the whole planet and even then, we have to stand on the side of the moon that faces the Earth. If we were on the dark side of the moon (not visible from the Earth), we wouldn’t be able see our planet at all.

Malicia: Watching the Earth revolve in 45 minutes and seeing the lights going out is impossible, even for the impossible girl. Not to mention that half of the Earth is sleeping while the other one is awake and you will not be able to see the lights on that side of the globe from the space…

Rita: Clara would have to board the TARDIS and fly around Earth to see the entire planet. But as we could see, Doctor escaped from making the life changing decision and took TARDIS with him leaving Clara on the noon.

Malicia: One more thing, the first time we meet Clara in “Asylum of the Daleks”, she is portrayed as extremely smart girl, a genius. She was so smart that Daleks did a full conversion on her, instead of turning her into simple puppet. We wonder where that smart Clara is now as she is having problems with rather elementary geography and physics.

Clara stops the vote

Clara stops the vote

Rita: I believe we can give Clara a hand in here. NASA has a project called “STAR CHILD” dedicated to passing elementary knowledge about space to kids: http://starchild.gsfc.nasa.gov/docs/StarChild/questions/question58.html

We can also use the BBC archives to learn about Sun, Moon and rotating:
http://www.bbc.co.uk/schools/scienceclips/ages/9_10/earth_sun_moon.shtml

Malicia: Yes, that would definitely be very helpful, even for some script writers…

Rita: Let’s talk now about the egg itself and what’s inside. After ignoring the democratic vote she has proposed herself, Clara is saving the egg and lets it hatch. The egg breaks open and the shell miraculously disappears after the alien creature is out. The Doctor explains that the rest of the egg (or the moon) has just “disintegrated” but what he truly means is “disappeared into thin air”. The debris is just vanishing, like magic – again without any sensible explanation.

Malicia: Some commentators mentioned that it could have something to do with the creature blowing us a raspberry but we would rather not get into that discussion, thank you.

Rita: The baby alien has a nice pair of wings. Why it would need a pair of wings in space, is beyond our understanding.

The birth

The birth

#2

#2

#3

#3

#4

#4

Malicia: It is also very kind. It flies away in peace and leaves a new moon behind as a parting gift for the humanity. The new egg is identical as the old moon – it has the same shape, the same mass, is left in exactly the same places and even has the same surface.

Rita: Also, the new moon is created under 10 seconds – a new galactic record we are sure…

(Malicia and Rita look at each other in sudden silence. They look exhausted and given up. The Invisible Booing Choir would  like to add another Booooo but they also give up)

Malicia: Did we ever review such a mess before?

Rita: Once. Remember “The Dark Water” by Hideo Nakata?

Malicia: It was such a dreadful waste of public money. But “Kill the Moon” beats the juvenile mass murderer in a yellow raincoat in all departments. Congratulation Mr Harness, we haven’t reviewed such a crap program in twelve years.

Rita: We truly wish we could say that the crew, producers and fans were all happy and “Kill the Moon” became an instant classic. Unfortunately, while the newspaper papers and fellow reviewers gave it a healthy 7 stars out of 10, the viewers and scientists have panned it to Gallifrey and back. This episode has set the lowest scientific and story telling standards for the new series and it will take a long time before it is forgotten…

(There is a sudden ring of the telephone in the back ground)

Malicia: Hang on, dear readers. Somebody’s on the line.

(picks up the receiver)

– Hello? Yes, this is Vanadian Avenue. Who’s speaking?
– (…)
– No, no there must be some misunderstanding. We do not need a doctor; we are in excellent health…
– (…)
– What do you mean The Doctor? Doctor Who?
– (…)
– Ah I see… his Eleventh reincarnation… Where are you calling from?
– (…)
– Trenzalore? But how?
– (…)
– You reversed the polarity of the neutron flow? That sounds very wibbly – wobbly to me…
– (…)
– No, he is not here, but you can leave a message. We will pass it on.
– (…)
– Right, thank you Doctor. Just… don’t travel alone.

(puts the receiver down)

Mr Harness, the Doctor just called from Trenzalore. He wanted to tell you that leaving after one episode is good, but never coming back to the series is better.

So basically,
Run.

 Epilogue:

Hand on the heart – we hope this is the last time we had to deal with dubious morality on the show. Having strong views is one thing, turning Doctor Who into propaganda machine is another. There is time and space to discuss birds and bees, aliens and eggs, female reproductive rights but Saturday evening on BBC is not one of them.

Morality that kills, wounds and maims millions of women world wide is not moral at all, on any level.
Dear script writers – if you plan to use eggs in the future episodes of the series, kindly stick to using them for soufflés.
We want to leave you dear readers with two great articles that would make much better story line than “Kill the Moon”:

http://www.iflscience.com/space/who-owns-moon
http://www.iflscience.com/space/what-if-moon-was-disco-ball

Thank you for reading.
Mal and Rita

Curtain falls. Invisible Booing Choir continues to boooo.

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